The next step on my journey to health

I had a request to work three full days back-to-back a couple of weeks ago. Not a good idea yet. I was exhausted by the end of the second day. However, the timing was good since it was just before going back to my doctor for a reassessment of my return to work plan. So now I'm on a longer part-time timetable. I'll gradually add a half-day to my work week as my strength returns (every 1-2 weeks or so is the plan). 
 

So, how am I going to get my strength back, you may ask? Well, I've joined a gym. Now, those of you who know me may think that's world news. Well, I've had a gym membership several times in the past (and even went for a while - LOL) so it's not so earth-shattering. What makes this time different is that my 18-year-old son joined as well and we're going together. That will keep up both going. If I start to lose our motivation, he has my permission to kick my butt (and I will kick his butt even without his permission - one of the perks of being a parent!) 
 
   

One of the things I said to the sales person is that I need to build up my strength, that I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know it's going to take a long time to get back my strength but I'm in. 

It's funny, people always talk about how strong I am. And I AM strong but that's a whole different kind of strength. I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually strong, yes, but I am physically weak and I hate it. 

So stick with me and I'll let you know how I'm doing. I'm going to post my starting points - how far I can go in the treadmill, which weights I can use on the machines, for instance - and how I am progressing, maybe monthly or so. Next thing you know, I'll be back to kicking butt for real, not just with words. 

Two weeks of work down, many more to come

It's been two weeks since I went back to work part time. I'm working afternoons only (from 1:00 to 4:30) and so far so good. My boss has been great and hasn't pushed me beyond my strength. He did ask me to work 3 full days at the end of the month, but I'll take the last 2 days off that week so it will still be half time. 
 

Actually, that will be a good test of my strength and the timing is perfect since it will be just before I go back to my doctor for a reassessment. If it's too much, then I'll stay on part time work for a while longer. 

Now that the main part of the cancer treatment is over, I'm starting to deal with some of the other crap going on with me medically. I've been trying to walk more but I've been challenged with a very sore hip joint. I suspect it's another flare up of bursitis and will be seeing a specialist next Friday morning. Hopefully he'll give me a cortisone shot and I'll be back walking more. 

Since going back to work, I've been parking a little farther from my office in the parking lot and I've been getting about 5000 steps in an average day but man, by the end of the day, I can really feel it! Hopefully after cortisone, I'll be able to build back up to the 7,000-8,000 that I used to do (and eventually to 10,000). 
 

I have the same problem (bursitis) in my shoulder, too, so maybe I'll be getting two shots, but I'm less anxious about that since it doesn't affect my movement too badly (yet). 

Ah, the trials of getting older! 
 

On a positive note, the added walking has had a direct impact on the scale. My weight goes up and down a few pounds every day so I can't say "I've lost X pounds" but the general trend is going down. Regardless of the number on the scale, I'm feeling stronger and more positive. After all, Spring has arrived here in Canada and I'm back at work. Once I can get out walking more, then life will be even better. 
     

As for the cancer treatment, I've still got to get Herceptin every 3 weeks so I've still got the Port-a-cath in my chest. It's better than a pic-line but sometimes at night it bothers me. When I sleep on my side, it feels like it's moving (it's not) but it's being "squashed". I just have to shift positions and it's okay but I can't wait to get it out in a year or so. 

I've also been put on Arimidex, which is an anti-estrogen drug since my cancer was estrogen receptive. Arimidex is similar to Tamoxifen but is only for postmenopausal women; I don't know why but it is. So far, so good - none of the major side effects (like joint pain) have appeared so far. (For those of you connecting the dots...I don't think the pain in my hip and shoulder are from the Arimidex because I've had it before.) 

I need to be watchful for one thing (or I should say my doctor needs to be watchful for it). Both the Herceptin and the Arimidex have potential impact on my heart. I'm getting my heart monitored every 3 months. Sometimes we have to take the bad with the good. The important thing is to focus on the good and deal with the bad as it comes. 
    

For my SparkFriends who have been with me throughout this journey, I want to thank you all. Your support has been important to me and will continue to be as my journey continues. 
   

Going back to work soon

I'm torn... I LOVE being off work and being able to do whatever I want. Believe me, I know just how lucky I am that, for the most part, I HAVE been able to do most things that I want to do. I recovered well from the mastectomy; I haven't been flattened by the side effects of the chemo treatments; I have been surrounded by wonderful friends who were there when I needed them but who backed off when I needed to be alone. (Okay, I haven't been able to do absolutely everything that I want to do but that's only because I'm not a multi-millionnaire. But my limitations have been financial, not physical.)


So why am I torn? Well, in just over a week I'm going back to work half-days. After a month or so, we'll reassess and I expect to go back full time. On the one hand, going back to work means a huge new step on this journey; it means that I'm well enough to take part in "normal life" again. On the other hand, I'm not looking forward to losing the free time to do what I want; I'm not looking forward to feeling that I have to live up to my boss' and co-workers' expectations. The pressure will be tremendous - pressure to deliver quality work, pressure to "be okay" and not remind people that I'm a cancer survivor, pressure to be happy. How much of that pressure will be self-imposed? Well, that's the $64,000 question, isn't it? It will be up to me to go easy on myself, to relax and take it one day at a time.


Some people say I'm going back too soon. I really don't agree. I'm truly feeling great. I'm feeling strong. I'm feeling well. However, full disclosure - the main reason I'm going back now it that if I don't, my salary will be cut drastically because I'm running out of short-term disability. As the sole breadwinner in my family, I need to make enough money to pay the bills. Don't get me wrong, if I wasn't feeling well, I wouldn't be going back to work yet. I'd find some other way to make ends meet. We all have to figure out what's important to us, not to others, not to our bosses, not to anyone us. In my case, that is being able to support my family and pay the bills - as long as I'm well. My health comes first.

So, what's next on my journey? First, I'll see how well this gradual return to work works out. If I need to go back on sick leave, I will, but I don't expect that to happen. In addition, I still have to go to the hospital for Herceptin infusions every 3 weeks. That will continue until next November or so. Because of the Herceptin, I will be monitored closely as time goes on. I'm on two drugs that both have potential impact on my heart (Herceptin and Arimidex) so I'll have Syma scans done every few weeks.


Then, next year, after I'm off the Herceptin, I'll undergo breast reconstruction surgery. Now, THAT's major surgery. I'm going be off work for several months (again) when that happens. Why do it, you ask?

Part of me feels that I shouldn't need to have two breasts, that it's only because our culture has convinced me that it's important. For a long time, I thought that it's not important. I said that I would only need to get a prosthetic before going back to work but only for others, not for me. Well, prosthetics are expensive (several hundred dollars) so there was no way that I was going to get it any time soon. Well, a friend called me out of the blue and told me that she had a "boob in a box" for me. I had to wait for a few weeks before she had time to bring it to me (I live about 20 miles from the office). Not only was it the right size and shape, which as astounding in itself, but she also brought three bras (with the pocket to hold it) and they fit, too. But as soon as I put it on, I felt different. I remember going to see close friends (at church, for example) and saying to them "look, I have two!" I guess it was more important to me than I thought.


(skip the next paragraph if you don't want to hear the gory details.)
So, that's why I'm going to go ahead with the reconstruction. It means something important to me. Besides, in order to build me a new breast using my own tissue (the least likely to be rejected) they'll probably take it from my tummy. For the first time in my adult life, I won't have a soft, mushy, bulging gut. That alone, makes is almost worth it. I'm also going to have them reduce the healthy breast to a more average size. So, when it's all over (in a couple of years from now), I'll have two nice sized, perky breasts and a flat(ter) tummy. And it will all be paid for by my government health insurance. What more could I ask?


I also need to be monitored for the Lymphoma. Remember that I'm one of the lucky ones who got a two-for-one deal in the cancer lottery. Not only did I have breast cancer (for the second time), I also have a low-grade Lymphoma. Lucky me. Monitoring for the Lymphoma will actually be done less frequently; it's almost secondary to the monitoring related to the breast cancer. I know that eventually I'll have to undergo chemo treatment for the Lymphoma and eventually, I expect that I will die from it. But hopefully, I'll need to be monitored for the Lymphoma for many years to come (unless, of course, God decides to spontaneously cure it and remove it from my body completely). Wouldn't that be simply amazing?


Stay tuned for the next installment. I'll let you know how works goes.

Last chemo down ... I'm done!

I had my last chemo treatment on Friday. I'm done! At the cancer treatment centre I go to they have a tradition...after you finish your last chemo treatment, you get to ring a ship's bell that's hung from the wall. It's the BEST feeling! OMG!



I had a good weekend...until Sunday evening. The joint pain that comes from the Neulasta came early this time. It came early and in full force. Remember I said that my last treatment was easy? Well, I jinxed it! I spent Monday and Tuesday at home. I took Tylenol-3's for the pain but I didn't like the way it made me feel. My heart seemed to race when I took them. I don't know if it's the Tylenol-3's but I stopped taking them just in case. One of the drugs I'm on (Herceptin) has a risk of causing heart problems, so I don't want to take any chances.

Monday I felt like every part of my body hurt. A friend gave me a hug and I flinched. That's how sore I was. Tuesday I woke up with nausea. It's the first day of nausea that I've had during all four treatments, so I guess I feel lucky for that, but yesterday I didn't feel so lucky. Yesterday I didn't even get dressed. If you know me well, you'll know just how horrible I felt. I NEVER stay in my PJs. Never.

But, my friends, by dinner time, I was starting to feel better. I actually cooked and ate supper with the family. It was like the sun was coming out. I felt so much better.

I slept most of the last two days and today, I'm feeling human again. My stomach is calm, I've been able to eat something and even had a coffee without feeling like I'm going to throw up. I still have a lot of (ahem) digestive problems ... bordering on diarrhea. For those of you going through this, I want to let you know that it's okay. I'm sore from the chemicals (feels sort of acidic) but it's livable. I have no blood and no rash this time, so I'm good.

Overall, I feel 100% better than Monday or Tuesday.

I still have to go back to the cancer centre every 3 weeks for the Herceptin (for the next year) and will have my heart monitored to make sure it stays strong. I gotta tell you, though - when the Herceptin is done and I'm COMPLETELY free of having drugs put in my body, I'm going to ring that bell again. You betcha!

My third chemo treatment was easy.

"Easy", you're thinking? Really? Yeah, really. I had my third chemo treatment two weeks ago. I've been feeling so good, I kept waiting to blog until the side effects hit me and I could tell you all how I dealt with them. Well, friends, the side effects never came.


After the first two treatments, I had bone pain, apparently from the Nuelasta. The first treatment was the worst, mainly because I didn't have strong enough pain killers, according to my oncologist. For my second treatment, she gave me stronger pills and the pain was must more controlled. This time, I took one (yes, just ONE) pain pill.


After the first treatment, I had a itchy rash on my butt, apparently from the toxins that I was pooping out. The second treatment it was less but still annoying as h*ll. This time? Nothing. I repeat - nothing. No rash, no itching, nothing.


Finally, the sores in my mouth - felt kind of like canker sores or like I bit my tongue. Like the rest, with each treatment, it became less and less strong. This time, they were there, but nothing to complain about.

Like so many of us, I was expecting each treatment would be accumulative and I would beel worse and worse. The opposite happened. The only thing that is getting worse is my tiredness. Don't get me wrong, I'm not TIRED, I just have a bit less stamina that usual. Of course there are other possible causes for that....

I'm not walking as much as I used to (and as we all know, if we don't use it, we lose it). Also, I've been doing more lately, going to seminars, art therapy classes, that sort of thing. I've been using my brain more. I guess that's not a great idea yet.


So, friends, I have my last treatment this Friday. At the Cancer Centre where I have my chemo they have a tradition (which I think is common to many centres). After your last treatment, you get to ring this ship's bell. I'm going to ring that bell so loudly, they'll hear it all over the hospital! Let the bell ring!

Two chemo treatments down, two to go

I've been AWOL for a while but I'm back now. If any of my readers have been worried about me, I sincerely apologize. It's not that I've been too sick to blog, I've just been too busy.


I have been attending a breast cancer support group, a stress management/coping skills workshop, a women's Bible study, and an Introduction to the Bible evening class. That's about 12-13 hours outside of my home, which doesn't seem like much when I used to work full time but it's enough to tire me out. In addition to the hours, three out of the four had homework to do.


My first chemo treatment went fairly well, even though I'm getting more tired as time goes on. I had no nausea to speak of, thanks to three supplemental drugs to counteract that particular side effect. The worst thing that I had is joint pain. It's caused by one particular drug that is meant to boost my immune system. The benefits of the drug are worth the 2 days of pain, which is controllable with pain killers. But man, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. On a scale of 1-10, I rated it about a 15! You see I have osteoarthritis, too, and anywhere I have arthritis I had the worst pain, especially in my neck. But it only lasted 2 days and I can live with it if I know there's an end in sight.


Yes, I'm losing my hair. That's expected. Two of the three drugs I'm on cause hair loss. It started about a week ago. In another 3-4 days, I'll have none left, I predict. For now, until after we get through the Christmas rush, I'm going to use head scarves when I go out. I've tried on a few wigs but haven't ordered one yet. (All my money is going to Christmas first.)
This is me...

I had my second chemo treatment yesterday and my oncologist said to expect basically the same side effects this time, assuming I do all the same things to avoid others. For example, when they recommend putting my nails in ice packs to counteract the potential nail damage, I did it. The pain will probably start tomorrow night but by Wednesday I'll be okay again.

Of course that are some side effects that they didn't warn me about but I was able to manage them well on my own. I didn't need to make any emergency trips to the doctor or to emergency. (Warning this next part is TMI so it you don't need to know the side effects that they may not have warned you about, then skip to the next paragraph.) For instance, I had skin rashes from the chemo drugs when I had had a couple of bowel movements (you can imagine where the rash was). Luckily I had an ointment that took care of it in just a couple of hours. Now I know to expect it and to use the cream earlier. Of course, with the constipation caused by the drugs, I looked forward to the bowel movements, even with the rash. A couple of times, I thought I was going to explode first. The worst day was when I had the joint pain and the constipation cramps at the same time.

But all in all, it's been easier that I expected - at least so far. I'm feeling okay considering the poisons flowing through my body right now.

Oh, and I had some good news about wigs. A colleague called me and told me about a friend of hers who has a condition where she's never had hair (alopecia, I think). Anyway, she buys herself two new wigs every year and donates the current ones to cancer patients, usually through a loca hospital. This year, she's donating them to me through our mutual friend. I have to wait until February when her new order comes in but they're human hair wigs and free so I'll wait. They're blond and shoulder length. The length is good but I'm not sure about the blond. I figure I'll have to get them fitted by a wig specialist and I may ask if one of them (or both) can be dyed to a colour more my style. We'll see. So if I decide to buy a wig to tide me over to February, I'll just need one, not the two that I expected. All in all, it's great to have such supportive friends - and friends of friends.

The story of my hair

People who have known me for years know that my hair changes often. I've had it straight (my natural style) and curly. I've been a blond, a redhead, a brunette. I've had it long, I've had it short. Today's blog is all about the journey to pre-chemo hair.

I don't have digital pics from the blond or curly days but here are a few that shows you how often I've changed it:


Feb 2004

Apr 2004

Oct 2004

Jun 2005

Nov 2010

Jun 2011

So now, we're in the midst of this breast cancer journey. As I posted in an earlier blog, my 22-year-old son and I had made a bet that I wasn't going to have to chemo. The stakes were pink hair. I lost. Below are the 4 steps I went through from my "normal" style (the last one above).

To start, you have to realize that I'd kept postponing getting a trim because "chemo was just around the corner". So this first shot is really badly grown out. I don't want anyone thinking that my hairdresser actually left it looking like this.


So the first step was to get it cut short. That has nothing to do with dying it pink but I've been advised a few times that it's easier if your hair is short when it falls out. It's easier on the drains, it's easier to clean off the pillow, and it's not so obvious. More more important, apparently your skin (i.e. your scalp) can get really tender and when your hair is long, it pulls more so short hair doesn't hurt as much. I can agree to almost anything that mean less pain!
Okay, so now I had short brown hair. The funny thing is ... I liked it. I never used to like my hair short. But I think I'm going to keep it short in the future. Go figure.


To go from short brown hair to short pink hair, there's an interim step. I had to bleach my hair as light as I could get it. One thing I now know, though - white-blond hair is NOT my best look. What you can't see in this picture is that because I've been colouring my hair for literally decades, there is very little "virgin" hair on my head. All the parts that had previously been dyed did not lighten as much as the roots. As well, the friend helping me was inexperienced with dying. So I ended up with leopard spots. Parts were white blond and parts were medium blond and a few spots where she missed saturating the bleach were still light brown. It was about a bad a "bad hair day" as I have ever had. Even with that, this pic looks a lot worse than it did in person. I'd just blown it dry with no conditioner so it's standing all up on end but since it was just for a few minutes, I didn't really care at the time.


Okay, ready? Here's the final product. It's really pink at the roots (where it was white blond) and almost orange where it was medium blond. Oh, and if you look close, you can still see the spots. Okay, maybe you don't have to look all that closely.


I'm so glad that it's all going to fall out soon. I haven't been out in public yet but I did post the pictures on Facebook (and got a lot of supportive comments, I might add),

One last point...my friend who helped me do this dyed her hair pink too. She didn't do the bleach so hers is more of a pink overlay on her salt-and-pepper hair but it looks cute.

'Ya gotta love her.